Friday, March 30, 2012

Burro fossil found in State Park

      A discovery in the Big Bend State Park has drawn some recent attention. A Large Donkey fossil was found near the banks of the Rio Grande. Scientists are baffled at this find, due to the current theory that donkeys and burros are not native species. This may be due to the fact that when early settlers came to Old Mexico, no burros resided in the area. But before man arrived in the area, the existence of the species may have been possible. Don't tell that to a Ranger who is on the hunt for those 'pesky buwwows'.

      In an undisclosed location somewhere in the Big Bend area, a man has been collecting penny's for 50 years. Thursday, his collection reached his one millionth penny. One of our Big Bend Inquirer reporters were given exclusive access to this copper stash.  The value of a penny is nearly twice to three times is face value due to the price of copper, so this Scrooge McDuck like pile is worth a Precious Penny. When asked, Owner and collector commented that, "No, he did not swim in his collection".

Thursday, March 29, 2012

4 Sets of Twins born

      Yesterday was a great day for the Simons family 4 sets of twins were born in Valentine. The mothers were all sisters and had planned this event, yet it still remains a mystery on how they all had twins. Doctors say this is extremely rare and only happens maybe once in a million births. The mothers all decided to name their babies similar names. Welcome Randy, Andy, Sandy, Mandy, Jenny, Penny, Lenny, and Denny to the Big Bend!

      A local man has completed a unique task this weekend. Ted Williams ran completely backwards from Alpine to Study Butte. Ted said that this task was on his bucket list and he was very proud to complete it. Other things Ted wants to achieve include a 24 hour painting marathon and a bicycling on handle bars for 1000 miles.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

House made of hay blows away

      A Terlingua man who built a house from hay, had his house blown away in the recent wind storms. Many residents in the area are aware of the violent storms that blow in, yet Marbert Pinkle had been an architect for many years and had designed the perfect straw house. It sat just off the side of Hwy 118, at the foot of a mountain, and beamed grandly in the sunsets. Neighbors weren't surprised, one resident even said, "I over heard Wolf say just the other day that was gonna happen.."

      The age old question 'is the cup half empty or half full' has finally been answered. A Terlingua scientist named Franklin Hammerstien has been doing extensive research on this subject. His findings were recently published in the Journal of Science and there are plans on an exhibit at the Smithsonian. Mr. Hammerstien broke down all the numbers and measurements and when all was said and done, he came to the SCIENTIFIC conclusion that the cup is exactly....simply..half a cup.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Record tad pole caught in Rio Grande

      The Rio Grande is known for its large cat fish, but Wednesday a record sized tad pole was caught. This 4 ft giant weighed in at 65 pounds, and several others escaped the fisherman's net. Who knows if the others were bigger, but at least one of them didn't get away. Researchers are going to observe as this creature grows in to a frog. Scientists say a record will probably be set then also.

       Many motorcyclers travel through the area for the scenic routes way have, and yesterday it became very scenic in Alpine. A female biker named Susan Blevinson got a head tattoo at a local tattoo shop, and it drew quite a crowd.  People gathered as Susan began the head art and a band from the bar next door came outside and played a few songs. The tattoo was a map of all the places she had traveled on her Harley. The session lasted 8 hours and to pass time, her husband got a tattoo on his arm of a bald biker chick with a head tattoo.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Wizard of Oz remake planned for Marfa

      Marfa has recently been selected to be the site of the new remake of The Wizard Of Oz. This classic movie that was the first to break the mainstream black and white films, will come to color amongst the Marfa lights. Taylor Swift is rumored to be playing Dorthy, and Tom Hanks to play the tin man. Actual filming is not set to start until 2014 and the precise location in town are not yet being released. A real yellow brick road will be laid, and little people will be shipped in from L.A.

      A state as big as Texas is bound to have strange laws and traditions, and next year will begin a whole new tradition. A second leap year is planned to be added to the calender. This will apply to all Texas residents and is said to add 180 million dollars to the economy.While no one has commented on the effect this will have in the interaction with the rest of the world, but is just one more example of the state of Texas's plans to secede.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Marathon lights appear

     The Marfa Lights are world renowned, but Friday, the Marathon Lights put on quite a spectacular show. Many people have never heard of the Marathon Lights, and that may be due to the fact they are less frequent and there are less people where they occur. Instead of being next to a highway, they illuminate in a valley a few miles north of town. The last Light show lasted 4 nights and was witnessed by only 3 ranchers. This time the light show lasted only 2 nights and 7 people saw this rare luminescence.

        The Ft. Davis bowling league has entered many competitions over the years but this Saturday they won their first tournament. Bowlers bowled a combined 6 out of 8 perfect games, finishing in a tie with an Oklahoma team. After a sudden death bowl off, the Ft. Davis Bowling Buzzards didn't break a sweat and bowled a perfect 300! Team leader Tom Fresno said, " Those boys put their heart on the lane and just knocked it out of the alley....".

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Voice of Smurfette returns home to Presidio

      A child star returns to his childhood home town in Presidio. The voice of Smurfette, is none other than Manny Domingo. His family has lived here for 100 years and he was raised on the local ranch, until he left for Hollywood. His first job was the voice of a chicken on a T.V. commercial. He was also recently a guest on the Simpsons, playing Marge's second cousin. Manny joins his brother and parents on their same family farm just outside Presidio.

       There is plenty of open space in Terlingua, which is why a new dog food factory is planned for the area. If everything goes as designed, the plant will include 100 acres of dogs used to test the taste of the chow. PETA plans to protest the groundbreaking ceremony, but says it will settle for a guarantee that the dogs will be feed 3 times a day and have a mandatory 5 hour play day to include fetch and Frisbee toss.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Terlingua Sand Castle contest next week

      A sand castle contest will be held next week in Terlingua. Contestants from as far away as Sweden will come and turn Terlingua dirt into palaces of sand. The grand prize will be $10,000, and a trip to the World Cup of Sand Castles. Lacy Stewert, from Jacksonville Beach, Fl said that her whole family has been practicing for this event for 6 months. Her family even spent the night in one of her creations. Good luck to Lacy and all the other sand heads.

       Many events grace the stages in Alpine, and the big top is now in town! The famous  'Circus of One' from Albuquerque NM rolled in to town yesterday and will be having two shows a night for the next three days. The 'Circus of One' was started by Argentinian tight rope walker Abalo Rodriguez. After a series of mysterious events, Abalo was able to take his show on the road with no animals, no clowns, and no fancy assistants. Just a very large, big top tent that was given to him from his father, the Amazing Frederico. What the show will contain is just as mysterious and amazing as the one and only Abalo.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Marfa Magician briefly makes Marfa disappear

      Local Marfa magician Alfred Munson has been practicing magic for 43 years. On Tuesday he preformed his greatest trick ever. For just a brief, magical moment, Alfred made the entire town of Marfa disappear. Most residents didn't even notice, but a few people were witness to this amazing feat. Everything returned to normal except two goats from the Ferguson Farm, but Alfred suggested that they may have just wandered off.

      We all have strange habits, but 54 year old Rick Benson from Presidio is addicted to eating Play Doh. Rick eats 2 colors a day and has been doing so since he was 8. It all started from a dare from his big sister. After tasting the bright doh, Rick was hooked. "Some kids ate Elmer's glue, i guess i was just different." 

     A commercial is being filmed for the Presidents re election campaign. The commercial will focus on the presidents plan to help the economy. The spot will be filmed at the new land fill outside Marfa. Subjects he will focus on will be local growth and opportunity.  Besides talking trash, he will also be touching on recycling.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Milk Bone sells for $200,000 on eBay

      Potato chips looking like famous people have sold on eBay for large amounts of cash. Now a local Ft Stockton man has sold a milk bone dog treat for an amazing $200,000. After finding his mini Schnauzer raiding the dog treat cabinet, Mr. John Aptons noticed a gleaming light from the corner of his eye. He reached out for the snack and when the glare disappeared, the cookie bone strikingly resembled the infamous Virgin Mary. Once Mr. Aptons sealed the snack in a Ziploc bag, he ran straight to his eBay account and uploaded a picture. Bids began immediately, and soon rose over the 6 figure amount. Mr Apton wouldn't reveal the name of the buyer,  except mentioning that the buyer was adding to his collection which included, a homer Simpson looking apple, and a Madonna looking wart removed from the foot of an Indian boy.

      A cult of elf-like woman were discovered this weekend by the Big Bend Inquirer investigative team. Rumors of strange happenings in Marathon were being reported every full moon. Our team unearthed some secrets from a x member of the group who wishes to remain anonymous. The elf lady wouldn't blame the cult for the mischief recently in town, but did say the full moon made it easier to see at night for their tiny eyes.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Where's Waldo found in Alpine

     After being spotted in many children's books, Waldo has finally been found in Alpine. This stripped shirted traveler has visited many places in his long career, and has made the hills of southwest Texas his home. After completing a few courses in Sul Ross University, Waldo plans on working on his small start up company, 'FindMe' clothing line.

      A deaf, dumb, and blind man has been bathing in the Hot Springs in the national park. Frank Annes had never laid eyes on water, or heard the sound of a river, but that all changed recently when his ailments disappeared overnight! Doctors have cleared him and now Mr Annes swims daily in the Rio Grande along with the sights and sounds that accompany the mighty river. Two cases of depression have also recently been cured at the springs.

      A few swimmers in the Santa Elena Canyon were startled yesterday when a 12ft shark was spotted.  A woman started yelling 'shark!' and most of people exited the water. Two Hungarian couples remained due to the misinterpretation of the word shark. "In Hungary, we say 'sherk, sherk!' when we have to go to the bathroom. I thought the lady just had an accident."  

Monday, March 19, 2012

Marfa Lights Soundtrack debuts at # 3

      Recently,  a few musicians from the area got together and recorded a soundtrack for the annual Marfa lights star party. No one would have guessed that the album would make it all the way to the Billboard Top music list. Despite the seclusion of the small town of Marfa, the recordings made a surprise appearance at #3! Some of the artists include, Mac Mackerson, The Dirty Coyotes, and The Henry Band. Bubba Henry, Lead singer and front man of the Henry Band told the Big Bend Inquirer that he and his band spent a week and a day just staring at the Marfa Lights just to get the right inspiration for their song. Their single,' I'm Blind' can be found on i tunes for free, along with the entire Marfa Lights soundtrack.

      Authorities often see strange things as they patrol the border, but yesterday was a first for Officer Morrili. He and fellow officers spotted a large man crossing the river near Lajitas. When the suspect came closer, Officers noticed that the man was not large, but instead had a monkey on his back. Senior Officer Mike Hoboton stated " both suspects will be deported to their respected countries, although the chimp wont tell us where he's from." 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Apple tree sprouts an Orange

      The desert provides many amazing examples of strange nature, but recently a local tree produced a one of a kind surprise. A granny smith apple tree that grows on the banks of the Rio Grande has been the talk of the scientific community after an orange sprouted from one of its branches. No one has come up with an explanation for this freak of nature, but a DNA sample was sent to the lab to be analyzed. A young observer was heard saying " orange ya glad i didn't sprout an apple."

      A photo has just been released from NASA. On the last space shuttle mission, astronauts photographed the Marfa lights from space. The photo revels blue, white, and yellow light in several different areas Marfa. Still to this day there is no explanation for this phenomenon, and NASA released no details with the photo. The Marfa Lights remain an Unsolved Mystery.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Border Patrol Station hires Mini-pony

      In the latest efforts to protect our country, the Border Patrol station in Alpine has just added a weapon. Officials have hired a mini pony named Karl. While the details on how Karl will be used are very hush hush, the pony seems to already be making a difference. Residents and visitors that pass through the station seem to be in a better mood when leaving. This may be due to the fact that Karl has an amazing smile.

      A great deal is being offered at a local Ft Davis hotel. If you are a professional clown, and you are in the area in the month of April, you are in luck. The Motelli Hotel is offering 95% off a nights stay and a free lunch. The Motelli family heritage is filled with a history of traveling clowns. They once jestered for the Queen of England. Promotion starts April 1.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Study shows laundry dries faster in Ft Stockton

      A recent study done by some Sul Ross students concluded that wet laundry dries faster in Ft Stockton. The students did five loads of laundry at different intervals during the day. The drying times were then recorded and calculated. Their results are being measured against national drying times to try and find the optimal drying town. In the past, Ft Stockton has been ranked among the highest in number of yellow roofs per capita and home of the funniest joke.

      A new novel has just been published in Marfa. The 7 page thriller was noted to be the shortest print to date by author Sally Schefield. Copies go on sale at all local book stores next week. Ms. Schefield plans on having a 7 minute book signing, as well as a 7 minute book reading. Following the reading she will also have a 7 minute book release party.

      Rattlesnakes are very common in the area, and on Friday, a 35 footer was shot. Four Terlingua residents were out four wheeling when they were thrown off their ATVs. This occurred after both machines ran over the monster. "we were going pretty fast. i just couldn't stop. It was like a desert speed bump."  Although the snake was shot several times, it slithered away and was not located.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Drug bust - 141 pounds of Caffeine seized

     A large seizure of drugs has made national news. 141 pounds of caffeine was seized at the border station Saturday after the strange smell of coffee was noticed from the back of an SUV. After consent to search was  given by the driver, officers found the stash of the drug. After the local DEA was notified, the substance was identified as a mixture of illegal exotic coffee beans from Uganda.

     Residents in Marathon are being warned to unscrew their porch lights after a strange visitor has been spotted. Large moths as big as 12 inches have been swarming the area for several days. The 'Fur Gigantis' moth travels very high in the jet stream from South America to the Canadian border area every spring. La Nina has been blamed for high wind down drafts that have caused these huge furry insects to invade.They have created quite the traffic hazard in Downtown Marathon. On the lighter side, Larry Bondsville, owner of a local car wash seems pleased at the arrival of these visitors. " They could stay here all spring for all I care. I don't even have porch lights.."

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Man comes out of ground after 47 years

      After 47 years in his underground bunker, a Terlingua man finally comes out. In 1965, Jerry Wise buried a shipping container and made it his home. His food rations took up most of the space, although Mr Wise had just enough room for his pet turtle, Fredrick. Until recently, both were doing just fine. Then suddenly the pair came down with a bad case of the sniffles. Being a life long member of the S.P.C.A., Mr. Wise disregarded his own safety, and risked possible nuclear fallout exposure to insure Fredrick's continued good health.

       Guinness came to Alpine yesterday after hearing of Clint McMurrys attempt to break the world record for longest bull ride. His record breaking ride lasted 6 hours, 46 minutes, and 8 seconds. Clint was quoted saying ," Dang!!! That was fun!!!! My butt hurts..." Mr. McMurry also holds the world record for skydiving with the most chickens and the fastest oil change on a John Deere.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Gang of Mexican midgets cause bar fight in Presidio

      With crime on the rise along the border, a startling incident at the Iron Horse Bar and Tavern in Presidio adds to local fears. A Mexican gang of midgets, named Los Minis, stormed into the the bar and proceeded to fight amongst themselves. After several minutes of complete chaos, the police were finally called. 7 men were arrested and put in the back of one large police car. Although it was a tight fit, Officer Pittman stated " this limits the risk of escape".

      A recent new resident has turned heads in Marathon. A family of Budweiser Clydesdales has retired downtown. These majestic horses have done things most humans would only dream. Honors include leading a Super Bowl halftime event, a 15 year TV commercial career,  and actually pulling a sled full of beer from St Louis, Mo, to NYC on New Years for the ball drop. The Clydesdale's join the Famous frogs, long time Marathon retirees Bud, Weis, and Er.

Monday, March 12, 2012

U.F.O. spotted observing the Observatory

      A sighting of an unidentified flying object was reported last Thursday in the Ft Davis area. Witnesses first spotted the UFO above the observatory. Apparently the craft was shining a large blue colored light on the building. Astronomer William Spartan said " we think we are alone, but I've seen things...". After observing the observatory, the spaceship was reported to be attempting to tip cows.

      Rumors of secret shows in Marfa seem not so secret anymore. This morning on NBC's the Today show, The Beatles announced their 5th reunion tour. Their starting venue has been confirmed to be Marfa Tx.  Although, tickets have not gone on sale and the actual location in Marfa has not been pinpointed. Some say, "... but Marfa is so small and so far away from anything...". In fact there isn't even a Starbucks. Also, the exact number of band members attending is questionable, due to some aren't alive and a few might be busy...

      Details are still not being released after 2 men were arrested in a theft at a local grocery store. All that is known is that 6 bananas and a Lionel Richie CD were taken from 'The Food Store'. All electronic items of value and some rare CD's are fitted with theft devices.The Lionel Richie CD was a import of a live event in China. Total value of the theft was over 200 dollars, making this a felony. No information on what the bananas were to be used for.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Cat has 10 lives!

      If you ask any random Marfan, they all say there is something special about their little town. Now a local stray cat has been found to posses 10 lives. The cat usually hangs out behind the deli, but has been spotted half way to alpine. No one knows if the fuzzy little feline has more in her. It wasn't thought a cat could have more than 9 lives, but this kitty has proved that theory to be incorrect.

      Scientists and a few biologists have confirmed a new species has been found. Hen Egg Mountain rises from the desert floor, off the side of Highway 118 north of  Terlingua. A wild chicken, now named 'terlingus fowlis' or chicken hen as its common name, is only found at the top of the mountain. No one can explain this, yet a similar species was also recently found at the top of Santiago Peak. Biologist Sandy Grey said,"the eggs seem to have no need to be salted".

Saturday, March 10, 2012

5-Story Mcdonalds planned for Alpine

     The Alpine McDonalds is a true landmark and soon it will be visible for miles around. Plans have been approved for the remodeling of this iconic burger joint. A four story addition will be added to the existing level, making it the tallest Micky D's in Texas, and third tallest in the U.S. The slide in the famous Play-place will descend from the fifth floor into the parking lot. A two story Ronald McDonald is still being debated by the cities Building dept.

     The Famous Starlight Theater in the Terlingua ghost-town was out-shined this past weekend. The King, Elvis Presley, was spotted having a margarita at the Starlight bar. Many famous legends have graced the stage there, but now one more name can be added.One bartender stated,"...he was an o.k. tipper". As he drove off into the dust, a few locals noticed his license plate was from Nevada. His plate read '1mElv15'.


Friday, March 9, 2012

Elephant in the Big Bend National Park

     While many native species of the Big Bend National Park have fled to find water, one new species has been spotted near the basin. A large male Grey elephant is now frequenting the visitors center. When asked, park officials have suggested that it might have wandered away from a Mexican circus. Guests are being asked not to attempt to ride the beast. A mischievous black bear was recently removed, and a mountain lion was hunted down due to attacking a child. Lets cross our fingers that the new creature stays friendly...bring peanuts.

      Marathon is known for its great homegrown food. This week a 50 lb. tomato was harvested by local backyard farmer Evan Summers. Only organic fertilizer was used to grow this behemoth. Surprisingly, this is not a world record. An Irish grass farmer grew a 110 lb tomato on accident in 1943. Evan plans on canning most of his prized tomato; or tomato, depending how you pronounce it....

      Returning from a retreat in Terlingua, a small bus filled with Nuns came face to face with the bottom of a 12ft deep pothole on I-10, outside Ft. Stockton. As the trail of R.V.'s and snowbirds return north to maybe catch one last snowfall before spring, our highways and byways feel the strain. Road crewman Rod Stevens commented that this is not the first time a large pothole has opened up over night. "I reckon one of them big rigs blew out a tire or something...that probably caused that there." By the grace of God none of the Nuns were injured.